incoherence

B

2006-09-23T09:35:00.000+08:00

When you hold someone, hold them like it's the last time you'll ever see them.

And when they go, don't make reasons for them to stay.

Only reasons for them to return.

Fix You

2006-09-22T23:57:00.000+08:00

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love some one but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you.

Smallville (Part 1)

2006-09-20T06:01:00.000+08:00

-- Lionel: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. --

-- Chloe: I am always gonna be the girl of your dreams, masquerading as your bestfriend. --

-- Lex: In the real world darkness is a journey, not a light switch. --

-- Lex: Personally, I think I got all the looks in the family. --

-- Clark: Chloe, I'm glad to see you.

Chloe: There's a sentence I never thought I'd hear again. --

-- Lex: Sentimentality is synonymous with vulnerability. You taught me that. --

-- Lionel: Lex, I can feel your smirk from here. --

-- Chloe: My feelings for Clark are so ancient, they're fossilized! --

-- Chloe: My dad said there are two types of girls -- the ones you grow out of and the ones you grow into. I really hope I'm the latter. I may not be the one you love today, but I'll let you go for now, hoping one day you'll fly back to me. Because I think you're worth the wait. --

-- Lex: Trust me – there's nothing worse than a missed opportunity. --

-- Lex: Let's just say the crouching tigress is finding her hidden dragon. --

-- Chloe: Love is rarely. If ever logical. --

Sleep is mostly optional.

2006-09-20T05:49:00.000+08:00

can't sleep.. been awake for more than 24 hours already.. finished the whole season 3 and half of 4 of smallville. i dunno why but it's just that everytime i feel sleepy and i lie down nawawala antok ko.. it really sucks.. it's like i'm working again only not..

recap.. i'm still unemployed! for 2 months and 1/2 already. kala ko this would only last for like 1 month only.. pero mag 3 months na.. well i'm planning to get a job na.. kailangan christmas may trabaho na ko. (",)

last saturday was rylle's bday.. the day before that si jay. sweet, magkasunod lang sila. went to jay's house kasi may celebration sila. ok naman.. and this sat naman it's trek's celebration naman. family naman! i'm a bit excited of going home kina lola kasi it's been 4 months na ata since i last went there. i miss lola.. i just hope that she's still doing fine.

i have a lot of things in my mind. so many di ko na maintindihan. funny bum na nga ako pero andami ko pa rin iniisip. i dunno. well cguro nga if you're just at home or kung wala kang ginagawa talagang mapapaisip ko on things.

it's already 6 am.. at hindi pa rin ako makatulog! naiinis na ko..

eto yata yung unang gabi na hindi ako uminom.. hehe.. gabi gabi ata umiinom ako.. para makatulog. maybe the reason why i can't sleep kasi hindi ako uminom.. shyet wala na kong pera pano naman ako iinom.

wish

2006-09-16T06:03:00.000+08:00

i wish i could just sleep peacefully. and not worry what the next day's in store for me. i wish i could just lie awake and not fill my mind with thoughts of you. and what you can do, or will do. i wish i could just be.. just be who i should be.. free from all the pain. free from you.

cayman islands

2006-09-14T16:13:00.001+08:00

Through the alleyways to cool off in the shadows
then into the street following the water
there's a bearded man paddling in his canoe
looks as if he has come all the way from the cayman islands

these canals, it seems, they all go in circles
places look the same, and we're the only difference
the wind is in your hair, it's covering my view
I'm holding on to you, on a bike we've hired until tomorrow

if only they could see, if only they had been here
they would understand, how someone could have chosen
to go the length I've gone, to spend just one day riding
holding on to you, I never thought it would be this clear

2006-09-14T16:13:00.000+08:00

- when fate tells you a sign, BELIEVE IT. -

the guy who loves you (",)

2006-09-06T20:35:00.001+08:00

from mica.. ganda (",)

The guy who loves you...
if he can't always see you,
he will try to make himself busy,
to not have any time to remember you,
because he knows if he did,
he will keep on missing you
until he could do nothing.

The guy who loves you,
can't tell you the reason why
he loves you... he only knows that,
in his eyes, you are the only one.

The guy who loves you,
seldom praises you...
but in his heart,
you are the best,
only he knows it.

The guy who loves you,
will scold or complain
if you didn't reply to his message but others,
because he cares.

The guy who loves you,
only drops his tears infront of you...
when you try to wipe his tears,
you are touching his heart,
the heart which beats for you.

The guy who loves you,
will remember every word u said...
even if it's accidentally,
and he will use the word always
at the nick of time.

The guy who loves you...
will not give any promise that easily,
because he doesn't want to break the promise,
he wants you to believe him
and he wants to give you
the happiest and safest life ever after.

The guy who loves you,
always tell you not to think too much,
because he already has plans for you...
he wants to give you the best life in the future...
he wants to give you a surprise...
believe him that he can do it.

The guy who loves you,
will go to the airport to fetch you...
he won't carry a bunch of roses
and call you darling like what you expect...
but he will carry your luggage and ask you
"why are you becoming that thin within two days?"
with his sincere heart.

The boy who loves you,
will listen quietly to you,
when you are mad,
and when you finish, he will say,
"you still got class tomorrow, sleep earlier..."
with a smile.

The boy who loves you,
doesn't know whether to call you or not
when you are angry,
but he will send a message to you after a few hours...
if you ask him why that late, he will say,
"when you are angry, my explanations are all rubbish,
but when you calm down, my explanation will really work."

The boy who loves you,
always calls you little girl,
but everytime he wants to make a big decision,
he will first want to hear your advice.

The guy who loves you,
doesn't like little toys like teddy bears,
but he will always put the bear you gave him
at his bed.

The guy who loves you,
will apologize uncontrollably
while you are quarelling
although you are the one who's wrong...
and later, he will send a message to you saying,
"baby, actually you know it's your fault, you know it urself."

The guy who loves you,
while really missing you,
will want to buy a bunch of roses
and wait for you stupidly under your apartment...
but he never knows that what he bought are daisies....
but it doesn't matter,
because in his heart,
those are roses.

Street Map

2006-08-30T02:49:00.000+08:00

I would like to think our paths are straight
Disconnected from the choices we make
That there is no reason why it can't be like you said

One day it's gonna happen
I don't know when
I'll be on your street
But I know one day it's gonna happen
You're gonna be swept off your feet

I would like someone to make a map
Mark my home and draw some lines that match
All of the reasons why
It can be like you said

One day it's gonna happen
I don't know when
I'll be on your street
But I know one day it's gonna happen
You're gonna be swept off your feet

I don't know when
I don't know why
I don't know when
I don't know why

One day it's gonna happen
I don't know when
I'll be on your street
But I know one day it's gonna happen
You're gonna be swept off your feet

But all that I know is it's gonna happen
I don't know when
I'll be on your street
But I know one day it's gonna happen
You're gonna be swept off your feet

Jay's Bday 08/20/06

2006-08-29T15:49:00.001+08:00

(082006) so ampangit ko d2.. yak.. jay's bday at her house.. we are the alfonso girls.. mwahahaha.. sana ma upload na ang ibang pictures :)

but why?!

2006-08-29T15:49:00.000+08:00

ah ganun? matabang pala.. OK... =(

nonsense shit

2006-08-29T01:38:00.000+08:00

it's been days since i last blogged.. can't say that i've been busy for the past few days.. maybe i was a bit preoccupied with some "stuff." good thing is, i've been out at last with some of my friends.. i can say that i am happiER now.. but not totally happy.. err.. i dunno..

but i'm still lazy to go find a job.. i dunno.. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SO LAZY! i hate going to work.. but i know i should be looking for one now.. maybe tomorrow.. or the day after tomorrow.. or the next day after that.. haaaay..

it's already 1:46 am.. and i still can't sleep.. not to mention that these past few days i've been sleeping at around 7 am.. got a few more hours to go before i get sleepy.. i am so wide awake!

listening to XM.. walang magandang tugtog..

well i am excited about the sept 9 reunion with the my batchmates.. ano na kaya itsura nila.. haha.. well updated ako sa iba because of friendster.. but the rest.. hahaha.. it sure is fun to see them again.. after 5 years..

i hate this friggin lighter.. ayaw sumindi..

so what have i been up to lately... hmm well.. i've been watching more of cartoon network now.. not to mention that i'm so disappointed because samurai jack is about to end na.. leche.. kung kelan ko naman nagustuhan saka naman matatapos..

masarap naman ang milo and coffee ha? alam kong binabasa mo to and i'm sorry masarap sya.. PARA SAKIN.. hehe

talking nonsense again.. wala talagang magawa.. badtrip kumain pa kasi ulit ako kaya tuloy ako lalong hindi inaantok.. well pag ako naging desperado.. manonood na naman ako ulit ng TV.. hoping na may CSI.. hehe

oh well.. pag may naisip ako na mas magandang i-blog.. i just feel like surfing muna..

BONI

2006-08-18T18:23:00.000+08:00

I don't have the perfect word to describe what I'm feeling right now. I just got home from metrowalk with mom and rylle. I am so tired but I just can't sleep. I can't say I'm exhausted because I am more than exhausted.. and if there is such a word well.. that's how i feel right now.

Last night i was out with rylle again and her friends. A very good friend of rylle offered to pick me up at 3 am in the morning just so i could actually "go out." Well, I'd say it was good because atlast... I had a few bottles and at the last minute I decided to stay at the condo with my sister.

It was already 6 am.. and I still wanna drink. Kaso we were being followed by her bf.. so no choice but to stay in condo and sleep. I dunno if I was already drunk.. well maybe I was.. hmmm I really dunno.. But when we got in the room.. everything just went *ping! ping! ping!*... MEMORIES..

Err... I swear I never thought that the condo would bring me so much memories. I even went down to podium deck just to check out the place. I had 3 sticks of yosi when I went down.. At yun na nga.. while I was there.. checking the place.. BOOM.. eto na naman ang memories. Ewan ko pero baduy man kung sa baduy.. I even went to those places kung san kami tumatambay. Nothing changed.. Ganun pa rin since the last time I was there with him. I knew it wasn't a good idea pero part of me wanted to really check the place. Yun lang nga, kala ko kaya ko i-take yun as good memories..

So I went up.. back to the room.. Hindi ko alam.. pero bigla na lang akong umiyak. I have no idea why I cried.. I mean I know the reason why I was crying pero hindi ko na lang talaga napigilan. I guess it's because when you just keep your feelings locked up.. mage-explode din sya eventually. Akala ko maiiyak lang ako ng onti pero humagulgol ako! Sheesh.. I never thought I was gonna cry that hard. Parang feeling ko sumabog na talaga lahat ng nararamdaman ko hindi ko na nakayanan. Wala ng piniling lugar.. Well it's a good thing naka-akyat na ko sa room when I bursted. But damn, yung iyak ko na yun.. hindi ko makakalimutan yun. That was the worst IYAK na naiyak ko.. Hindi ko na nga alam kung pano ako natigil pero basta when I woke up.. singkit na ko.. hehe.. at sobrang sakit ng ulo ko.

Sobrang totoo yung sinasabi nila na you miss someone it hurts. It hurts a lot. Too much. And the worst part is everyday it just keeps getting worse. Maybe its because you know you can't do anything about it anymore.. and that you just have to let it go. Or maybe you know that you can still do something, but you know that it just won't be the same anymore. Oh well.. so many questions! Atleast ngayon alam ko na na hindi ako babalik ng condo hanggat prepared na ko. (",)

Another thing that made me sad was when I heard na baka ibenta na yung condo. Grabe.. it's just too much na talaga. Sana naman eh isa isa na lang silang dumaan.. hindi yung ganito na sabay sabay! And daddy.. well... i just found out that he's not answering rylle's calls.. these past few weeks na.

Sheeesh.. I know I'm strong.. But I'm not that strong enough!

Missing Piece, Missing Peace

2006-08-14T18:31:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling better now. maybe it's because i haven't heard or seen anything bad from his side. or maybe i'm just having a good day. or i'm still not having my moodswings yet.

i want to read a book. though i can't find anything that interests me here at home. i've read the good ones.. the ones that are left are just boring.

i'm still pissed of because of my dinner last night. kulang na kulang. ang sarap pa naman. i should ask alfred to cook that meal again. SARAP.

ym version 8 sucks. lagi akong nadidisconnect. wala naman masyadong difference.. pero andami kong nakukuhang error.

lapit na birthday ni daddy. at wala pa rin akong news sa kanya. oh well, maybe may iba na syang mundo. at wala na syang balak magparamdam samin. but i still feel bad kasi hindi ko sya na-greet nung father's day. so kailangan ma-greet ko sya sa bday nya. bahala na si batman. and i guess mom is pissed as well kasi hindi na nakikita ni daddy sina robs. and well, aside pa dun.. she has her own reasons na rin.

boring day.. i should get a dvd.. yung mga marathon.. i'm thinking of smallville, or one tree hill, er.. i dunno

so what else can i do on a boring monday? lahat ng tao may ginagawa ako lang ang wala. minsan napapaisip ako if i should get a job na. pero naisip ko naman na wag muna. kasi hindi pa ko stable. at hindi pa ko fit to work. baka pag na moodswings ako eh umalis na naman ako bigla. sayang ang time. pero soon, work na ko. nakakasuka na dito sa bahay.

tagal ng simpsons..

there are a lot of things that i'm missing right now. specially the moments when i'm with him. actually i just miss the moments when i'm with him. there are just times that even though you're mad, you still get to miss the person.

the things that i miss.. hmm.. i miss eating with him. haha.. yun ang una kong naisip kasi siguro nagugutom na ko. pero i miss eating with him kasi it doesn't really matter kahit ganung karami kainin ko when i'm with him. tas matutulog bigla.. haha spell bangungot.

i also miss the moments when we drink. wherever, bar man o bahay, anytime of day. i have to admit lumakas ako uminom dahil sa kanya. i used to have this 3 bottle limit. now, god knows how many na.. nagugulat na nga lang ako when we go out with his friends buhay pa rin ako kahit umaga na. but i tried drinking 1 shot of tequila tas iinom ng beer.. damn.. BLAGTA

whatelse.. i miss our isaw days.. haha.. bopis na rin isama mo.. well what can i say.. we love to eat and drink.

also i miss those moments na wala kaming ginawa kundi tumawa ng tumawa. and also yung mga times na wala kaming magawa sa phone. nanttrip kami ng tao. my gosh jojo.. sorry.. pero ikaw ang favorite namin. haha..

well i guess i just miss those moments i share with him. those were the times na no insecurities, kahit magulo buhok ko eh ayos lang. kahit mataba ako ayos lang din! most of all, kasi nung mga times na yun no worries..

hmmm.. raqs wala naman dun sa five stages yung nararamdaman ko ngayon eh.. MISSING the person.. i'm thinking where the missing part comes in sa DABDA.. hmm.. well cguro it's part of all the stages.. whether you get angry or depressed.. hehe labo..

buti na lang good mood ako ngayon habang nami-miss ko sya. kasi kung hindi.. baka nag-wild na naman ako. haha..

oh well.. i dunno. manonood na lang ako ng simpson..

--

2006-08-14T17:15:00.000+08:00

I know you’ve given all that you can give to me
I know there'll come a day I understand
Until then I'll be trying to solve your mystery
And Wonder why I couldn’t make you stay

Smiling through denial , my specialty
I thought that was a good thing for a while
You gave me all your secrets were you testing me?
How could I do anything but smile?

Re–enact your legendary tragedy
And do to me what has been done to you
Is that the only point to all this misery?
Is there any reason I should cry?

Heal – takes time
And you gave me all you had
I know in time I will believe
That I loved you
Did you love me?
Did you love me?

Heal – it takes time
And you gave me all you had
I know in time I will believe
That I loved you
You loved me
You loved me.

--

2006-08-14T14:15:00.000+08:00

Assuming that our energies are sufficient,

love is interminable.

-- JIM HARRISON, The Road Home

HIDE & SEEK

2006-08-12T20:01:00.000+08:00

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just began to form
Crop circles in the carpet
Sinking, feeling
Spin me around again
And rub my eyes
This can't be happening
When busy streets
A mess with people
Would stop to hold
Their heads heavy
Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
All those years
They were here first
Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before
The takeover
The sweeping insensitivity of this still life
Hide and Seek
Trains and sewing machines (you won't catch me around here)
Blood and TearsThey were here first
Hmm, what'd you say, mmm, that you only meant well?
Well, 'course you didn't
Hmm, what'd you say, mmm, that it's all for the best
Because it is
Hmm, what'd you say, mmm, that it's just what we need
You decided this
Hmm, what'd you say, mmm, what did she say?
Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you
You don't care a bit, you don't care a bit(Hide and Seek)
Speak no feeling,
I don't believe you
You don't care a bit

STEP by STEP

2006-08-12T00:19:00.000+08:00

i was about to go to sleep when i just thought of something. this is something that i know would help me get over him. i took all of his stuff, and others that reminded me of him. and i kept it. and now i can't say that i'm better. but i'm feeling MUCH better.

i was listening to the radio and they were discussing this line of julia roberts from the mexican. "if 2 people love each other but they can't get blah blah, when do you say that enough is enough?" something like that.. i was grabbing all his stuff when i heard that and suddenly i just cried. i remember i txtd him that quote before. and now.. pakshet..

oh well.. i guess ito lang naman ang pde kong gawin as of now eh.. wala naman na kong pdeng gawin kundi magmukmok, and do something about it. i just hope that as the days go by eh unti unti ko nang maayos life ko.

FRIDAY sucks

2006-08-11T19:43:00.000+08:00

i just took the longest bath. 2 hours! mwehehe.. ay naku.. wala lang.. walang magawa on a friday night. i was thinking of texting my sister. pero for sure di yun sasagot at may plans na yun with her bf. ay naku. another lonely weekend. walang pera pang alis! leche!

sana naman may magandang palabas sa TV. para di naman ako puro net na lang. eh kaso feeling ko wala. at tinatamad akong umakyat para i-check. haay naku.

nabo-bore ako!! sobra.. haaay.. gusto ko uminom.. hanggang sa makatulog ako.. anything para lang matapos na tong weekend na to.. =(

maybe the reason why i'm like this is hindi ako mapakali AGAIN.. i don't know what the hell is going on outside na.. and mostly where the hell is he.. or what he's doing.. or who's with him.. alam mo na.. THOSE stuffs.. oh well.. neverending yun..

i just wish that i could STOP thinking!! UTANG NA LOOB! gusto ko ng matahimik! pero it's just so hard. ay naku.. napakatagal naman nung TIME na yan.. wala na bang way na ma-fast forward?? kasi nakakaubos ng lakas.. this is really killing me..

hmm.. ano pa ba? wala.. killing time na lang to.. sana hindi na lang ako nag 3 coffee para makatulog ako agad. haay..

THURSDAY?? o FRIDAY??

2006-08-11T13:26:00.000+08:00

i just had the funniest realization.. akala ko saturday na ngayon. the whole day yesterday kala ko friday! ano ba yan.. ganito na ba talaga kapag bored ka talaga???

hmmm.. today seems like a good day for me. thanks again kay raquel. oh well.. i hope i do good on the next stages to come. =) it's really nice knowing that you got friends who will surely help you every step of the way. i'm just really glad that i have them always.

naisip ko nga eh. maybe i'm just making a big fuzz of what i'm feeling right now. di kaya masyado ko lang dinadamdam yung mga nangyayari sakin ngayon? ewan ko. cguro if i'm doing something else that would keep me busy i'm sure hindi ako magtata-talak ng ganito. kaya lang yun nga, wala akong masyadong ginagawa.

DABDA.. hmmm... cguro nga andun na ko sa 2nd stage.. hmm.. bargaining? ewan ko lang.. mejo mixed nga eh.. kasi i did some bargaining na rin.. so i can't really tell which stage i'm in right now.. hay goodluck na lang sakin! haha..

pero panalo pa rin talaga na akala ko friday kahapon. nalaman ko lang na hindi pala nung nanonood ako ng TV.. at nanood ako ng TV bago ako matulog.. shyet.. ngayon palang pala mags-start ang weekend.

i hate the weekend.. lahat ng tao wala. asa gimikan. buti na lang andito mga pamangkin ko. so pde ko sila kulitin. buong araw na naman asa disney channel ang TV.. shyet.. sukang suka na ko!

hmm.. i have to plan my day.. weekend na eh. para di ako maburaot..

ah pakshet!

2006-08-10T20:04:00.000+08:00

so i mentioned that i went out with my sister last night. masaya naman. i wished i didn't have to go home. totoo nga yung sinasabi nila na kahit gano kang kasaya malungkot ka pa rin pag uwi mo. kasi wala kang makausap. tahimik lahat. saka wala kang magagawa kundi magisip. badtrip pa dun.. hindi pa ko lasing! kaya buhay na buhay ang utak ko..

i tried sleeping pero wala nangyari. inis na inis ako kagabi kasi i didn't know what to do. hindi mapakali utak ko. pero one thing i noticed, parang unti unti.. hindi na lungkot yung nararamdaman ko.. parang galit na. i dont know why pero yun yung napansin ko. everytime na umiiyak ako laging sa huli ang feeling ko eh galit. siguro galit ako dahil sa mga nangyari, sa mga nasabi, sa kanya, sa sarili ko.. ewan ko ba! tangina labo..

sana lang talaga eh matapos na to. kasi gusto ko na talaga mawala tong feeling na to. cguro i just need more time para maayos ko.. pero for the mean time.. well.. galit na nga siguro ako..

DO NOT LAUGH

2006-08-10T15:53:00.000+08:00

Do Not Laugh - video powered by Metacafe

2006-08-10T15:44:00.000+08:00

Michael Buble

Michael Buble

2006-08-10T15:37:00.000+08:00

HAAAY

GRRRRR

2006-08-10T14:53:00.000+08:00

this is really ticking me off.. i've been spending the past couple of hours trying to download this song that i can't find in limewire!!! i was out with my sister last night and she was playing this song of tuck & patti. jazzy.. pero sobrang ganda.. i'm not into jazz music pero this one.. nagustuhan ko talaga.. acoustic na jazz.. EWAN! at naiirita ako hindi ko mahanap yung song sa limewire! i've browsed na rin and still wala yung song na gusto ko.. haaay.. hindi ako dapat ginagalit ng LIMEWIRE!!!

AT LAST!

2006-08-09T21:01:00.000+08:00

hay salamat makakalabas na rin ako ulit. thanks to my sis. it's a good thing she's always there when you need her. libre pa.. ay naku.. cguro i just need to go out more. and HAVE FUN! sana nga talaga everything is falling into place na.. it just feels nice to know that you have someone like your sister to be with you every step of the way. well.. sino lang ba ang magtutulungan kundi kami lang. =) nung sya rin naman single tinulungan ko sya. =) haaay... sana talaga ok na..
this is a pic of me and my sis. our gamefrog days.. alam ko kasama namin si daddy nito eh pero umalis na sya.. i miss daddy as well.. di na siya umuuwi ng condo since my sis moved there with the kids.. haay.. lapit na bday ni daddy.. pero i dunno pano namin sya hahagilapin. i don't even have his number.
this is a pic of my daddy with robs and rafie.. so paging daddy.. kung alam nio kung nasan siya sabihin nio lang at malapit na bday nya.. HAHAHA

oh well i'm out! (",)

catch up (",)

2006-08-09T12:28:00.000+08:00

today seems to be quite a good day for me. maybe it's because for the 1st time in 2 weeks i had enough sleep. hopefully in the next few days it would still be the same.

i am so full.. i just ate lunch. i'm getting fatter and fatter.. see, this is what happens when you're bummed. nothing to do but eat eat and eat. =)

last night was.. gosh.. what the hell was i saying last night?? hmm.. dala ng emosyon..

well i just hope that i'm heading for the right path right now. at thanks raquel for the hug. =) kahit cyber hug.. lol.. it sure made a big diff. haha.. oo nga maybe we should catch up when we have time. i miss our barkada..

i realized that there were so many things that i've missed for the last 2 1/2 ++ years.. well, atleast now, i have my whole life ahead of me to catch up on all those things.

LET THERE BE MORNING

2006-08-09T00:06:00.000+08:00

I hope my smile
can distract you
I hope my fists
can fight for two
So it never has to show
And you'll never know

I hope my love
can blind you
I hope my arms
can bind you
So you'll never have to see
What we've grown to be

One may think
we're alright
But we need pills
to sleep at night
We need lies
to make it through the day
We're not ok

One may think
we're doing fine
But if I had to lay it on the line
We're losing ground
with every passing day
We're not ok

But that's one thing
I would never
One thing I would never
That's one thing
I would never say to you

MAKE IT STOP..

2006-08-08T23:19:00.000+08:00

i can feel myself exploding in just a few more minutes. it's 11:20 pm already. got nothing but my YM, a pack of cigarettes, and coke. i don't feel like talking to anyone. and i'm waiting for the attachments in my mail. this is really killing me. i don't know what i want anymore.

i can't even think straight. my mind is all messed up. these are the moments when you just want to break down and cry and wish that some miracle would just happen. thoughts are running in my head. memories. good and bad. but mostly the good ones. but as i think of them now, they're just filled with so much pain. i just can't stand this anymore. i feel like screaming and let the whole world know how much i'm feeling right now. this is just crazy.

this is like my 5th blog for the day. i dunno.. i don't care.. i seem to be repeating the same stuffs. but everytime i finish one blog i feel like it's still incomplete. i'm not even good with words so i dunno if it'll ever be enough.. EVER.

wtf did i do wrong to deserve this? this is just pure torture. i am so mad right now. the only thing i wanted is for me to be happy.. i never wanted this.. i've been feeling pain way too long now. this has got to stop.

i wanna grab a beer.. or anything that could help me sleep coz i have a feeling that i'll be up all night. and if i do, hell's gonna break loose.

but mostly i feel scared. coz when i'm like this.. i do crazy things. and when i say crazy.. i mean CRAZY. i might not be able to control myself and do something stupid. i don't wanna be that kind of person anymore.

why can't i just be like the other normal people? who can just move on that easily? why can't i?!?! i know for a fact that it's only i myself who can do this but can someone tell me how??? keeping yourself busy with other stuff and going out with your friends or meeting new people is BS!!! it just doesn't work for me!! maybe for some people it does.. but to me.. it DOESN'T.

life is so much better when you're young. as you grow older things just get even more complicated. i wish i could be like a kid who can cry it all out and with just one hug everything would be okay. it's so much easier that way.

MUKMOK

2006-08-08T20:53:00.000+08:00

- so ganito na lang ba ang gagawin ko the whole day?? tangina wala na kong ginawa kundi magmukmok.. manood.. magmukmok.. potang life to!

- kelan ba matatapos to! it's just not fair na maramdaman ko tong feeling na to.. sobrang sakit.. la na kong ginawa kundi umiyak.. i'm so fed up..

- all i wanted is peace of mind.. but that doesn't mean na peace of mind without him.. it's just so different pag wala siya. ang daming mga bagay na nakasanayan na tas biglang hindi mo na siya magagawa ngayon..

- sure nakasanayan na.. pero ang masakit dun eh hindi ko na ata alam kung may makikita pa kong ganun.. i was watching house kanina.. naiyak naman ako dun sa sinabi nung isang girl.. something like.. "you were the one.. but i can't have you.." tangina naman!!! nakaka-relate ako..

- it's like saying that yep, ikaw nga talaga.. you we're the one for me.. pero hindi pde.. ewan ko! nonsense na lang tong sinasabi ko..

- 9 pm na.. tangina gabi na naman bukas ano na naman kaya haharapin ko? somebody save me from this madness..

- ano pa bang pde kong gawin? wala na.. na exhaust ko na lahat ng pde kong gawin dito sa bahay..

- ikaw na ang mawalan ng trabaho. mawalan ng pera pang inom. at mawalan ng bf. at boring na bahay.. pakamatay ka na.

- i just downloaded this song what about love by lemar.. at paulit ulit ko tong pinapatugtog.. the lyrics perfectly describes what i feel right now..

- i really wish this would end na.. hindi ko na kasi talaga kinakaya to..

sleeps with butterflies

2006-08-08T19:17:00.000+08:00

idle..

2006-08-08T14:58:00.000+08:00

i'm thinking of doing a movie marathon. but i don't know which ones to watch. i am so bored. i am really trying hard not to think of it. ang hirap talaga. i wish i could just vanish. the more i try hard not to think of it, the more ko naiisip. it's just not fair. ewan ko!

i wish there is some way for me to just forget everything and move on. i hate it when they say it's easy when it's not. i want to go out, meet people, do new things.. but i just feel so locked up.

maybe i should get a job na.. err... tinatamad pa ko..

haaay.. well maybe i'm just crazy..

i just read the most painful words from his message last night.. yep, i think that's what's bothering me. sana di na lang nya sinabi yun.. it's better na di na lang nya sinabi. i'd rather ma-realize ko na lang sya eventually.

haay the pain! but i just have to deal with it. do i have a choice????

i hope this misery ends na.

wise up

2006-08-08T14:51:00.000+08:00

It's not

What you thought

When you first began it

You got

What you want

Now you can hardly stand it though,

By now you know

It's not going to stop

'Til you wise up

You're sure

There's a cure

And you have finally found it

You think

One drink

Will shrink you 'til you're underground

And living down

But it's not going to stop

It's not going to stop

'Til you wise up

Prepare a list for what you need

Before you sign away the deed

'Cause it's not going to stop

It's not going to stop

'Til you wise up

No, it's not going to stop

'Til you wise up

No, it's not going to stop

So just...give up

GLORY OF LOVE

2006-08-08T13:53:00.000+08:00

You've got to give a little, take a little
And let your poor heart break a little
That's the story of,
That's the glory of love

You've got to laugh a little, cry a little
Until the clouds roll by a little
That's the story of,
That's the glory of love

As long as there's the two of us
We've got the world and all its charms
And when the world is through with us
We've got each other's arms

You've got to win a little, lose a little
Yes, and always have the blues a little
That's the story of,
That's the glory of love

That's the story of,
That's the glory of love

SHITTY DAYS

2006-08-08T09:46:00.000+08:00

these shitty days just won't go away. i woke up again with a splitting headache.

i feel like doogie howser. lol.

anyways.. like i said, this splitting headache is killing me.. remind me again not to go capitol when it's about to rain and you only have 50 left in your pocket. baka kaya dun kaya ako magkakasakit.

i left shang with a feeling of "shyet dis is it.." i'm not even sure what would happen, but i was happy. i said to myself, this is something that i can't just let it pass. i just need to go there and do it. i've never been drunk and had that feeling. for once, i was sure.

while i was on my way, my heart was pounding. probably because i don't know what he would say, and maybe it would all be just closure. i remember grace told me: "kung wala lang akong pasok bukas sasamahan kita." and i just said, it's something that i need to do on my own.

turns out, closure na lang nga talaga. we talked and i saw that smile. the smile na alam ko na wala na talaga. i was a bit stubborn at first, coz i still tried to ask him why and why can't we just forget it. pero no use na. nasabi na nya eh. so wala na talaga.

well. atleast i did my part. it might not be good enough but i went there. maybe it's not because i JUST went there. for a split second last night i felt that YEP, this is something worth fighting for. but its all in the clear now. IT'S NOT.

ohh.. yes.. it won't be long. i'm almost gone.

YEAH I WILL

2006-08-08T00:12:00.000+08:00

i have to block out thoughts of you so i don’t lose my head

they crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed

dropping little reels of tape to remind me that i’m alone

playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

there's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain

an ounce of peace is all i want for you. will you never call again?

and will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?

and will you never try to reach me?

it is i that wanted space

hate me today

hate me tomorrow

hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

i’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with

the one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing i won’t touch again

in a sick way i want to thank you for holding my head up late at night

while i was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight

you never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate

you made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take

so i’ll drive so fucking far away that i never cross your mind

and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

hate me today

hate me tomorrow

hate me for all the things i didn’t do for you

hate me in ways

yeah ways hard to swallow

hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

and with a sad heart i say bye to you and wave

kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that i had made

and like a baby boy i never was a man

until i saw your blue eyes crying and i held your face in my hand

and then i fell down yelling “make it go away!”

just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be

and then she whispered “how can you do this to me?”

hate me todayhate me tomorrow

hate me for all the things i didn’t do for you

hate me in waysyeah ways hard to swallow

hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

THE BLOWER'S DAUGHTER

2006-08-07T14:09:00.000+08:00

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

Light Years Away

2006-08-07T13:27:00.000+08:00

It's almost like you had it planned

It's like you smiled and shook my hand and said

"Hey, I'm about to screw you over big time"

And what was I supposed to do?

I was stuck in between you

and hard place

We won't talk about the hard place

But I don't blame you anymore

That's too much pain to store

It left me half dead

Inside my head

And boy, looking back I see

I'm not the girl I used to be

When I lost my mind

It saved my life

It's how you wanted it to be

It's like you played a joke on me

And I lost a friend

In the end

And I think that I cried for days

But now that seems light years away

And I'm never going back

To who I was

Cause I don't blame you anymore

That's too much pain to store

It left me half dead

Inside my head

And boy, looking back I see

I'm not the girl I used to be

When I lost my mind

It saved my life

I think that I cried for days

But now that seems light years away

And I'm never going back

To who I was

That life seems like light years away

Light years away

And that life seems like light years away

Light years away

Taxi Ride

2006-08-07T12:20:00.000+08:00

Lily is dancing on the table
We've all been PushedToo far
I guess on days like this
you know who your friends are
Just another Dead f**
to you that's all
Just another Light
missing on a long taxi ride

And I'm down to
Your last cigarette
andthis 'We are one' crap
as you're invading
This thing you call
Love - she smiles away too much
but I'm glad you're on my side,
sure I'm glad you're on my side

still You think you deserve
a trust fund
Just because you
Want one
Sure you talk the talk
when you need to
I fear the whole world is
starting to believe you
Just another Dead f**
to you that's all
Just another Light missing
in a long taxi line

Lily is dancing on thetable
We've all been pushed
Too far today
Even a glamorousbi***
can be in need
this is where you know the Honey
from the Killer Bees

I'm glad you're on my side
sure I'm glad
you're on my side
sure I'm glad you're on my side
still

Got a long taxi ride